Tuesdays with...

It's a gorgeous day outside and I can't shake the grey sleepies that are following me around at work. Every time I go outside I get a jot of awakedness, of alertness. I'm happy outside. Perhaps I should live outside. So different to be able to make that choice than to have that be what you have to do. I would like to live more outside though. Growing up in Montana, the outside was a part of your everyday. The elements were a part of your decisions. That is definitely true here in New York as well, but it leads to such different things. Snow in Montana-get your skis, there's fresh powder to be explored. Snow in New York-get your parka on, you've got a long commute ahead of you. It will be beautiful for approximately 4 hours, and then the black slush comes. Slush comes to montana as well, always on my birthday. Weird. And now for a story...
My junior year of high school I was super involved in everything. I wasn't a cheerleader or really involved in school, but I was overly involved in church (a parent's dream). I was on worship team at one church, was going to a discipleship class at another and went to a Bible study and i think i was doing something else in there as well. I was a mess. I was having a time of learning and teaching and losing my mind. The pressure I felt was more than I could handle eventually. I had a good friend throughout named Michelle. She was wonderful. She told me one time while we were driving in my parent's van "part of your problem is that you are like your mother AND your father AND then you are yourself on top of that". It was true. My parents are wonderful and I like to believe that in the right dose I'm not so shabby, but that's alot of personality rolled up in one. I had one of my first break downs that year the weekend of my birthday. I was suppose to get in a church van to go to some retreat. It wasn't feeling like a retreat at all for me. I could not breathe, I could not cope and I could NOT get in the van. michelle told me I didn't have to. We called my mom and told her what was going on. I stayed all weekend without anyone knowing I was in town except for my loving mfamily and my loving michelle. I wore my pajamas to the Winter Carnival parade and enjoyed every minute of the first slush on my birthday.

And now...

So I'm following up on this blog almost a year later. I've been feeling itchy to write it out again. It's a nice day here in NYC. my husband just got back from Iceland and I reconnected with an old friend. All this and then some has left me encouraged. I have been feeling a bit out of sorts lately-far away like there is a pane of glass between me and "it". You know? I'm trying to breathe above water while I'm bobbing up and down. I must keep moving though. I must. (That's the double soap opera repeat for emphasis.)
I'm at my day job. Some days it is very hard to deal with the tedium of it, but seriously if I complain about it I deserve a handslap. I just prefer singing that's all. I prefer meetings and writing and deciding what to wear and rushing from one thing to the next and blasting my voice out. Yes I do. I am fighting the desire (don't know if I should fight it) to think of alternative things to do. Maybe singing isn't everything etc. and all that. Aaahh, but it still is isn't it missy? You're just trying to keep it down because losing it hurts way too much. True. Preach it! So, I continue the fight to remain true-to get up and keep on trying. I will not give in to the alternative. At least not today.